maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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