Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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