life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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