I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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