Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
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