Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
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