He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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