Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
