There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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