i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
