My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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