yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
