im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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