she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
