Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
