So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
