Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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