There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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