thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
What a dumb baby whore.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
