So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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