Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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