She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize