For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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