You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Me too!
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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