I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
