i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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