Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
