I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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