DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
