its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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