I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
