what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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