So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
