dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
