So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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