We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
