Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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