I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
