if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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