Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
