I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I cut my penus on the lid.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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