when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize