Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
false alarm. still invincible.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
