Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
