I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
this beer tastes like vomit already
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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