Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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