dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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