My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
