I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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