Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
