Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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