I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
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