Heybabeimwearingurpanties
My cat gives me a boner
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
