my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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