I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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