You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Enjoy the penises
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
