She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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