I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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