I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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