Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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