i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
