Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize