Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
